“No Dumb Questions”

So there’s this short film titled “No Dumb Questions” that we watched at the Gender Identity workshop I mentioned in my previous post that I want to talk about. The discussion facilitator loves this film, praised it up and down, so I expected something much better than what I got.

The premise of the film is this, as quoted from the official website:

Uncle Bill is becoming a woman!

This lighthearted and poignant documentary profiles three sisters, ages 6, 9 and 11, struggling to understand why and how their Uncle Bill is becoming a woman.

These girls love their Uncle Bill, but will they feel the same way when he becomes their new Aunt Barbara?

With just weeks until Bill’s first visit as Barbara, the sisters navigate the complex territories of anatomy, sexuality, personality, gender and fashion. Their reactions are funny, touching, and distinctly different.

This film offers a fresh perspective on a complex situation from a family that insists there are no dumb questions.

I was going to bold the particular things that annoyed me, but I would have bolded nearly the entire thing.

The first thing that makes me cringe is the first sentence. “Uncle Bill”. “Becoming a woman.”

To begin with, if a transgender person has a preferred name, you should refer to them by that name. This woman is not Bill, even if that was her preferred name before. Her name is Barbara, and you should refer to her as such.

Second, she is not “becoming” a woman. She is a woman. I understand that it’s difficult to adjust when someone you’ve known for years and years, sometimes your whole life, suddenly tells you that they have a new name and different pronouns. It might take you a little while to consistently use the correct pronouns and name. They understand that as well, as long as you show an effort to fix your mistakes. But what you have to understand in turn is that this person you’ve known for so long is still the same person. They took a huge risk in sharing this important part of themselves with you. Continuing to refer to them by their old name and pronouns (this is part of misgendering someone – referring to them as an incorrect gender) is a slap in the face. They might just be words to you, but they really do mean things.

Being misgendered is often a daily part of a trans* person’s life, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good or okay thing. Some people are deeply affected by being misgendered, and that is not something you want to subject anybody to, especially not someone you are close to.

And yet, throughout the entire film, Barbara is referred to as “(Uncle) Bill”, “my brother”, “he”, etc. Not once were the girls corrected on their pronoun and name usage. They were adorable, but it seemed to me that they just “made the misgendering adorable”. They’re kids of very different developmental stages, so it was interesting to see how ingrained their ideas of gender were – but it was painful to see how quickly they internalized their parents’ (subtle) transphobia and homophobia. The two older girls ran away the first time they saw Barbara, deeming it scary and strange. They treated the idea of their aunt being a lesbian as strange. The youngest, though still using incorrect pronouns and name (because she was never corrected), was the least affected by transphobia. She had no problem at all playing with her aunt, talking with her – everything the children had done with Aunt Barbara before she came out.

The parents are a different story. Despite being older, they certainly didn’t know better. They consistently used the wrong pronouns and name. They didn’t direct their children’s questions to Barbara, nor did they tell them that some of those questions were inappropriate to ask (such as, “Will she still have a penis?”). They didn’t seem like they were asking Barbara many questions at all, in fact. They just patted themselves on the back for being so “accepting” and continued on misgendering her.

They probably didn’t even realize that they were, in fact, doing something wrong.

There definitely are dumb questions. Without a doubt. Things such as, “Are you going to have The Surgery?” “Will you still have a penis/vagina?” “How do you have sex/masturbate?” “What’s your original name?” Those are all stupid questions to ask someone.

However, just because a question is stupid, doesn’t mean you can never ask it ever. Depending on the situation and how well you know the trans* person, you might (key word here, folks) be able to ask some of them. If someone you just met comes out as trans*, please don’t ask them about their genitalia (unless for some reason it’s relevant to you). Imagine for a minute, that you have this conversation:

Stranger: Hi, I’m Alex.
You: Hi, I’m <name>.
Stranger: Nice to meet you. Do you have a penis or a vagina?

Weird, right? Don’t do it to somebody else just because you’re curious.

I guess the main point of this ramble was don’t misgender people. Use their preferred name and pronouns. It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes – it’s hard to change your speech, especially if you’re trying to change a years old habit. But it’s not okay to just make no effort to correct yourself.

And that’s why I don’t like “No Dumb Questions”. I don’t think it’s a good introduction to trans* issues at all, unless you want to instill all the wrong impressions. I would rather not show a intro film at all than show this.

Lobsterfest

Juniata College has this tradition called Lobsterfest each fall in which every club on campus can get a table and sign people up. A few friends and I put together a club called Trans* Parachute United, and this was our first Lobsterfest. Basically, this meant that I got to sit on the quad at a table by myself for three hours in the hot sun while people walked past and gave me weird looks.

Now I had wanted to look as androgynous as possible, which would normally mean wearing my binder (a shirt-type-thing that kind of squishes the developed breast tissue and pushes it away from normal boob area to achieve a flatter/more “masculine” chest) along with a button-down shirt. It was, unfortunately, far too hot for that. It was way too hot even for the t-shirt and jeans I was wearing. And, since you may not know, wearing a binder when you’re sweaty results in prolonged feelings of stickiness and grossness and general discomfort.

But while I was sitting in gross discomfort at the T*PU table, I had a paper in front of me with the Gender Diamond on it.

On the top of the paper, I wrote “Where are you on the gender diamond?” (I had also replaced “Polygender” with “Other Gender” and “Genderless” with “Agender” in fitting with my personal definitions) and had a Sharpie next to it. I labeled my own gender right at the very bottom point and encouraged everyone who came up to me to label theirs as well. I am friends with many of the people that put themselves on the diamond, and have had gender-related conversations with most of them, but there were still some really interesting things I noticed.

1. Almost everyone hesitated at putting down a point, often changing their mind at the last minute before placing a dot
2. Even people who said, “I am definitely cis” didn’t place themselves at the extreme point of their birth-assigned gender (except for one)

Point two is especially interesting to me. These people did place their dots, for the most part, within the circle I would consider cisgender, but several fell closer to the purple center than I expected. This isn’t to say that I doubt that such people aren’t cisgender – if they say they’re cis, and that’s what they identify as, then that’s their decision. I was just a little intrigued by the cisgender people placing themselves closer to the purple than I would have initially guessed. I certainly expected more dots on the feminine and masculine corners than were there.

I also thought it was interesting that people who never seemed to question their gender before hesitated greatly before finally placing their dot.

Overall, it was a good day. A bunch of people came over to the table for information. Most of them wandered off giving me strange looks, but a few people looked honestly interested. I’m glad that we’re around to get the word out and help educate people. If we want to get anything accomplished, we need to make sure everyone knows we exist.

(Eventually people will know what neutrois means… Eventually. XD)

Invisibility: A Visible Person’s Guide

If you’re heteroromantic heterosexual and cisgender, you might not know what being invisible feels like. Let me try and explain.

When you go to the doctor’s office and you fill out a form, you probably just check off the appropriate Male or Female gender box.

When you go to the department store, you probably just wander to the appropriate clothing section.

When you fill out a survey, you probably just check off the appropriate Heterosexual (or Homosexual or Bisexual) box.

When you’re in class, you probably talk about how sexuality is part of human nature.

When you see a couple walking together, you probably assume they’re sexually active.

When I go to the doctor’s office, I hesitate before checking the Female box because I’m not. I can’t check the Male box because that doesn’t fit either.

When I go to the department store, I hesitate before wandering toward either clothing section.

When I fill out a survey, I can’t check off Heterosexual, Homosexual, or Bisexual. My orientation isn’t acknowledged.

When I’m in class, I also talk about how sexuality is human nature. Even though it’s not relevant to me.

When I insist that my relationship is asexual (and aromantic, but I’ll explain that some other time) people don’t believe me because it’s just so obvious that we’re having sex.

Many people assume that because they’ve never heard of the words I use to identify myself, that they have the right to tell me I’m wrong. They can, because they are heterosexual and cisgender (or even some homo/bisexual and some binary trans people have given me trouble) tell me that my feelings can’t exist.

If you identify as what I mentioned earlier, you’ve probably never had your identity questioned. Never had to worry about not being included. If you’re heterosexual and cisgender, you might not have even given any thought to your orientation or your gender – you can just take them for granted. What you have to know and remember is that there are plenty of people who can’t. There are plenty of people who aren’t even acknowledged.

If your identities are widely accepted and acknowledged, I hope that this helps you realize that you’re lucky in that regard. And please remember that not everyone is privileged like that.