Identity Policing

Identity Policing can encompass several things. At its essence, it is the idea that one person has the right to think or say that another person’s identity is false. Oftentimes, Person A will think that Person B is not “trans enough” or “asexual enough”, to quote two examples from my own life.

I really hope at this point that I don’t have to explain why identity policing is bad, but I will anyway, just in case.

You have no right to tell someone else what they can and can’t identify as.*

Zero right.

You are not them. You can only see what they present to you and what they do, and those things may not represent how the person identifies.

I recently found out that one of my roommates, who is heteroromantic and asexual, doesn’t think that I’m asexual because of the way I act with my non-romantic partner thing. I have told her, and everyone else, repeatedly that I still identify as aromantic and asexual, despite what people assume about me.

When I say that I am aromantic and asexual, it is not okay to continue telling me I am wrong about myself.

This is also a problem with trans* identities. There is some tension between some binary trans people and non-binary trans* people; the most prevalent irritating thing I have seen is the insinuation that non-binary trans* people aren’t “trans enough”.

Just because I don’t want hormones or a penis or to pass as male does not mean I am not transgender.

Just because their identity is different from yours, or different from the binary identities, does not invalidate their identity as transgender. And if I sometimes act cuddly or “cute” with my non-romantic partner thing, it does not invalidate my identities as aromantic and asexual.

It’s not your right to impose requirements on someone else’s identity.

Stop thinking you know better somebody better than they know themselves.

(*Please note that I am not talking about cases in which someone comes to you for advice. That is a different situation, though the majority of this still applies.)

Dysphoria

I’ve had this post sitting around for a while…I originally wasn’t going to post it at all, but I eventually decided to just put it up.

This post is extremely personal for me. Dysphoria is extremely difficult to explain, but I tried my best. Keep in mind that I’m speaking from my own experiences, and I’m not trying to speak for anyone else. This is me trying to explain how my dysphoria feels.

Imagine that you are you, exactly as you are right at this moment. Now imagine that you wake up in the morning and you have all the wrong bits. You now have a penis instead of a vagina, or vice versa. You have developed breasts where there was only flatness before, or vice versa. You’ve lost your beard or grown some facial hair. You say something at the mirror in surprise and your voice is too high or too low. You are still you, you know that. But then you realize that everyone outside your room doesn’t. You go to your closet or dresser, looking for something to wear that might help you assure people that you’re you, you’re not this body. But everything in your closet is just wrong – where there should be skirts, there are baggy jeans, or where there should be t-shirts, there are blouses. You pick out the least offensive outfit you can manage, but everything is ugly and scratchy and doesn’t fit right – not to mention that it’s all extraordinarily brightly colored so you’ll be sure to attract a lot of attention. So you pull on a hat with a brim you can pull down around your face and finally leave the room. Someone’s coming in the building, so you hold the door for them.They just kind of stare at you as you walk past, and you just know they’re trying to figure out why in the world you’re dressed that way, and slowly say, “Thanks sir/ma’am.” The wrong term, of course. They see you as the wrong gender.

But you put up with it, pull your hat down further, and hope you don’t run into anybody else. But then you have to order your morning drink with your too high or too low voice that everyone in the room hears. The card you hand the barista to pay screams your (incorrect) gender, and they don’t even realize. You go to class or to work, and your professors and classmates or boss and colleagues all call you by the wrong gender (things like “hey girls” or “sir”) and they don’t even realize that they’re doing something wrong. They think they know you, they think that by the way you look, they can tell exactly who you are.

Now imagine that your best friend in the world comes to hang out with you later, after work/classes are done. They don’t misgender you, and when they ask you how you are, expecting a proper response, you go to tell them that you hate how everyone sees you the wrong way and calls you the wrong pronouns and is just so sure that their view of you is the right and only view and they do this without even realizing. But as soon as you try to put it into words, you realize that you don’t actually have the means to properly describe this awful, empty, hopeless, despair feeling. And even if you did, you are so sure that you can see the flicker of doubt in your friend’s eyes, and you just know, or think you know, that they don’t believe you. That they only refer to you by the right gender to humor you, that they’re so sure it’s just a phase. But how can this be a phase? You just feel so wrong, your body is not you. It doesn’t fit right.

Now do that again. And again. Some days you feel better in your body than others, some days you feel worse. But even when you feel great, this feeling is still nagging at you.

Dysphoria: [dis-fawr-ee-uh] (noun) a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting

Gender and body dysphoria is, therefore, dysphoria pertaining specifically to one’s gender or body. I am currently experiencing some really bad gender/body dysphoria.

I’m neutrois. That means that my ideal body is free of all sexual characteristics. I don’t want breasts, or a vagina, or to be immediately recognizable as female. I don’t want hair except on my head. I don’t want my voice to be quite so high.

Right now, the fact that I am immediately gendered, immediately recognized as female even though it’s not true is distressing. I’m extremely uncomfortable and annoyed that everyone misgenders me, and would honestly much rather be sitting by myself in a corner with a book and some tea rather than out on campus where everyone thinks that they know I’m a girl.

Dysphoria is somewhat pervasive in the trans* community, where there is usually an inherent conflict between one’s gender and one’s body. Not all trans* people feel dysphoric, some do sometimes, some don’t at all. Personally, I only feel dysphoric sometimes.

What to do to ease dysphoria is different for everybody, and I haven’t found or heard of any surefire way to make it better. Personally, I wear a binder to hide my breasts. I like to dress up, wearing a button-down, a tie, and slacks. I wear a lot of layers – binder/sports bra, undershirt, t-shirt, sweatshirt. I slouch more to hide any curve of my chest. I drink a lot of tea. But these things don’t fix the problem, they just make it a little easier to deal with.

Right now, I’m hiding in some baggy men’s jeans, my binder, a unisex t-shirt, and a three-sizes-too-big sweatshirt with a hood vaguely reminiscent of a Jedi robe. And, despite all of this form-hiding, baggy, masculine/androgynous clothing, I still feel too gendered. I feel like I stand out, like everything I’m wearing is neon orange with bright purple stripes and a glowing sign above my head saying, “Look at me, I’m female”. It’s hard to talk to people, to look them in the eye, to even go outside, knowing that they are all so unconsciously certain that they have me correctly gendered. Even going to class today was a battle, knowing that in German we would be talking about gendered nouns and that in French I would have to refer to myself with female-gendered words. Even if I had been quiet in every class (which I couldn’t be, so I had to listen to my too high voice all day), just sitting there knowing that everyone in the room assumed they knew my gender was torture.

One of the most annoying things is that (most) people don’t even realize that they’re gendering the people they encounter. They see someone on the street and automatically judge whether to use masculine pronouns or feminine pronouns. One irritating part of dysphoria for me is being sure that everybody will automatically label me female forever. That no matter what I do or say or wear, I will never be seen as anything more than a girl.

The single worst part of feeling dysphoric for me, though, is my complete inability to feel comfortable in my skin. I am anxious and fidgety, and constantly something feels wrong about me. My body doesn’t fit right. It’s not the way I know it should be.

How does this relate to you if you’re cisgender? Try to pay attention to how you judge other people. Next time you walk around near other people, watch how you think about them, notice how quickly you gender them in your head. The next step is to try and stop judging people so quickly. If someone looks male, it doesn’t mean they are. If someone wears a skirt, it doesn’t mean they’re female. Gender identity is different for everyone, and some men like to wear skirts while some women like to wear ties.

I guess what I want you to get from this is, besides a basic understanding of dysphoria as it pertains to me, is that sometimes your unconscious judgements can hurt people. I know I’ve talked about things like that before, but honestly. If we can stop jumping to conclusions about people, I think the world would be nicer. Not free of dysphoria, but perhaps easier to deal with.

Everyday Cissexism

Cissexism is, among other things, the assumption that everyone is cisgender. That people with penises are men and that people with vaginas are women. I hope by now you can see how this is a harmful idea.

I interact with a lot of trans* and otherwise queer people on a daily basis, and sometimes I forget how cissexist the Real World is. And then I stumbled upon the site Dear Blank Please Blank – which is an entertaining site, to be honest. But then I found this, and just saw red:

Dear health class movies,

why do you always say “the male penis…?”

Sincerely, is there a female penis?

Yes, there is in fact a “female penis”. The penis is not an inherently male thing.

And yet, the world at large sees no problem with this kind of thing. Most people don’t even realize that they are erasing entire groups of people – not even just trans* people, but intersex people as well.

And it’s not just this. I bet you’ve heard tons of stuff like this, maybe even said things like this, without even thinking about it. How many jokes about “chicks with dicks” have you made or heard or seen? How many jokes about other people that you see because you can’t automatically discern what their gender is?

Stuff like this needs to stop. It’s not funny, it’s hurtful.

I’m too annoyed to write more about this right now. Please, pay attention to what you say. Language is important. And jokes aren’t funny if they hurt or erase people.

A Brief Note on Education

I’ve mentioned before that educating people on LGBTQetc issues is important to me and that I enjoy doing it.

Something important to understand, though, is that that is extremely specific to me.

Educating is hard. I’m aromantic, asexual, agender, and neutrois. People automatically want to know things about that – and they tend to ask questions without considering how invasive or personal or rude they are. Do I masturbate? But I’m in a relationship, how am I aromantic? Do I want The Surgery? (“The Surgery” is a common misconception of medically transitioning using Sexual Reassignment Surgery, which are actually multiple surgeries) Am I sure that I’m not just gay? Am I sure that I’m not just a girl who doesn’t like traditional gender roles? Am I sure I’m not just a trans man? How can I be sure that it’s not just a phase? What does transgender even mean? What does asexual even mean? Are these things even possible for humans? Can I explain every small detail of being trans*/asexual/aromantic?

And even for me, the storm of questions gets tiring. It’s mostly the same generic questions, which I have a spiel to answer, and then some horribly invasive ones.

Now, if this gets tiring for me, someone who enjoys educating, imagine someone who doesn’t like talking about it being asked day after day to explain the same basic concepts that they have discussed a hundred times.

It’s not fair to expect someone to answer your questions just because they’re trans* or ace or aromantic or any identity that’s not heteroromantic heterosexual and cisgender.

You might say, “But if you don’t teach them, how will they learn?” The same way I learned. The same way other trans* and asexual and pansexual and such have learned – Google. Google is your friend. If you search for something basic, like “what is asexuality?” you’ll come up with things that will answer that question. You can find tons of information on the Internet without having to worry. And if you need more information, there are places online (like here) where people will be more than happy to explain. But please, don’t expect someone “different” to answer all of your questions, or even some of them. They’ve probably explained the same thing a hundred thousand times, and that gets really tiring.

Keep in mind that this does not mean that you’re not allowed to ask questions. If someone seems open to explaining, feel free to ask – just make sure you don’t ask anything too invasive unless they’ve explicitly stated, “I don’t mind answering questions about X.” Personally, I’ll answer just about any question. But it’s very important to keep in mind that if you’re heteroromantic, heterosexual, and cisgender, you live in a very different world from people who are not. And they might not want to answer your questions, especially if you don’t pay attention to how you ask them.